{"id":3787,"date":"2009-12-21T19:31:12","date_gmt":"2009-12-22T02:31:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/alannarisse.com\/blog\/?p=3787"},"modified":"2009-12-23T14:33:01","modified_gmt":"2009-12-23T21:33:01","slug":"the-decade-looking-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.alannarisse.com\/blog\/the-decade-looking-back\/","title":{"rendered":"The Decade, Looking back"},"content":{"rendered":"

Wow, a decade. I started writing this and then had to start over. I spent half the decade trying to find a way out of corporate America. I have not yet been successful. Sometimes I feel like I am hooked like a crack addict. I’m afraid to loose the financial security. I’ve used my career to help me achieve things I wouldn’t be able to do without a decent paycheck, but it’s always hard to find a balance, to find enough time and energy for art. The student loans want feedings. I want them gone. I want to own a house. I’m disappointed that I haven’t done more art in the past year and a half since I graduated. Maybe I needed to take a deep breath in and recharge, but I don’t think that’s a good excuse. I should be so driven to make art, it shouldn’t even be an option. As I got older this decade, my priorities got thinned out. A lot happened. But that’s in the past now. The thinning will inevitably continue so it’s up to me. In 2010 I’m making it a priority to have a daily practice, even if it’s simple gestures. I’m going to try and not be so hard on myself. I’ll just blame the thyroid, that’s a good thing to blame. I won’t blame the dog, she’s too cute and she was worth the effort.<\/p>\n

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I met Tom in 2000. I can’t imagine my life without him. My world is so different now. There is so much less to worry about or be sad about. I was so sad for so long. Our lives are all happiness and love and security. I’m crazy about him. When I see stories about old, happy couples, my eyes well up, because I see us. Without him, I probably would have never gotten my degree. I might have never gotten serious about my art. Who knows where I would be. Maybe lost somewhere, still looking for “home”. I found home in Tom. I distinctly remember one day at our apartment when I just got the itch. I felt like moving, getting out, running away. It then dawned on me that I had lived in that apartment with Tom longer than I had ever lived anywhere else. I didn’t know how to stay in one place and my flight instincts were kicking in. Instead of fleeing, I picked up a sponge and a mop and I cleaned that place from top to bottom. I scrubbed and cried until I worked out all that angst. That was the day I knew for sure, I wasn’t going anywhere, I knew where and with whom I belonged.<\/p>\n

I forgave myself for a lot of things this decade. I no longer feel guilty for deciding to stay away from my family. Instead I see that I have a tremendous desire for self preservation and that makes me feel strong. <\/p>\n

I got a college degree. I can’t believe I finally have a degree. I got out of high school at 16 to go to college and never finished college. I couldn’t afford to go to college and support myself. Plus I was an emotional wreck. I worked so hard on my own, teaching myself design and multimedia when there were no classes. I got a job at Apple and I still took classes through the years but I stopped pursuing a degree. I did fine without a degree but I hated being judged. I shouldn’t have cared but I knew it was always there. I know some people treated me differently. People whom I shouldn’t care about what they think, but I did care, it made me angry. Now I have a degree, and I got it for me, It was nothing to do with the career I’ve had for the last 20 years, it is a degree in what I am truly passionate about. Having a degree heals more childhood wounds too. At age 16 I flung myself into adulthood to escape the mess I was in. I was beating the odds that were handed to me. I think finally getting to go to college gave me that feeling of hope for the future that college is so good at giving you, something you don’t get when you jump right into a full time job at a large corporation. Anyway, it’s complicated. Maybe it’s not.<\/p>\n

Lately I am so in the right now, it’s hard to look back and make any sense out of the last 10 years. And so here is my list. I looked through the old weblog archives<\/a>. Here’s a quick list of things that happened:<\/p>\n