I wanted to throw in the towel today. I wish my studio wasn’t on the opposite side of town from my work. I wish I could ride my scooter in this town and feel safe. I wish I had more energy at the end of my work day. I wish I had a clear destination in mind for my paintings and my art career. But the facts are that I do work on the opposite side of town from my studio and I do procrastinate and I will always be confused about my art practice and I will always be juggling art with something else. These are the breaks.
Tom and I want to make an album this year. I need time for that. I need time for my friends. We have so many things in our house to get rid of, and there are always so many things to do every day. That’s life. Vacation is simple and relaxing, my life, because I’ve chosen to juggle two careers is not simple and relaxing. But I have to do it. I have to make art, whether I make money at it or not. And I have to pay bills. So that is that.
I wanted to move out of my studio, start over, get rid of all my paintings and start from scratch. But I’m in too deep right now. I have to just move forward, forward. There is an auction in October and open studios, I need new work and it’s not going to make itself. I have too many paintings and art supplies to move out of my studio. I would have nowhere to work, and I’d just be paying storage on paintings, many I don’t even want to look at, but many I can’t part with. I don’t want to throw them away. I have to just start on something and keep working, little by little I’ll get somewhere and I’ll find a stride, and in the future I can think about a better work/art/home situation. But this is where I’m at now and I have to grin and bare the ick parts and revel in the good parts.
So time to get over my bitterness and frustration. Time to get going.
I saw Imin Yeh and other artists from CCA at an opening last Saturday. It was so inspiring, and such a great night, but it just added to my frustration. What am I doing with my life? where is it going? I can’t see the future and I shouldn’t worry about it. These moments are just new fires being lit under my behind. They are what keeps me going. So I know that even though I want to scream and throw things, I also understand these feelings are what keeps me moving when I want to quit. So no quitting for me today, the only way out of this current mess is through paint. So tomorrow, I paint my heart out like my life depends on it.
Oh, and Tom finally posted some photos from our Hawaii Honeymoon.