I don’t know what I’m doing today. I mean, I know, but I don’t know. I am doing what I am doing, ya know? I went to school. I’m going to the chiropractor. I’m going to write this afternoon and evening until it’s time to go to bed. Those things are tangible and I do or don’t do them. I don’t even know what I’m talking about or trying to say. I’m in good spirits, but I’m so run down. I want a rest. Lucky for me, one is very near. We are going to D.C. for thanksgiving. A whole week off. we leave in 18 days. So soon. All I have to do is just keep chugging along like a little tugboat. I’ll worry about the rest after our trip. The rest involves school, money, work, art, studio, and home. No solutions seem to be presenting themselves and the more I think about it, the more confused I get. I have doubts that anyone is going to give me a scholarship for school. Sometimes I have doubts that I should go right now. I’m confused about where I want to go with my career and where I want to go with art, and if those things will have very much to do with each other. Maybe I should limit art making to a deeply personal thing and not try to mix it up with career goals. Oh, I think lots of things. All of my thoughts would make you dizzy.
Very wise Tom said, don’t try to think about every step along the way, just focus on the steps in front of you. And he’s right, why get worked up about the future just yet? Sure, think about it, make plans, but don’t dwell on what might or might not be.
I blame all of this on not being able to paint. I get so very very confused when I’m not painting. And look at me, I’m not painting or running. No wonder I’m confused. And I have terrible PMS and the most horrific headache.
This is the last push for the book. My final due date in November 18th. I have a lot of work to do, but not an overwhelming amount. I can make it. Then, I can sleep in as much as I want and go for walks and read books and paint paint paint.
One good piece of news is it looks like I’ll have an article coming out in early 2006.