My birthday is fast approaching. I’ll be 40 whole years old. Strange feeling having a newborn just before my 40th birthday. I don’t feel 40 though my hair is pretty much completely grey. A woman at safeway yesterday asked me if i was over 21. I almost fell over in shock. Not that long ago i would feel proud, but now i just think the person who asks must just be completely clueless. But mostly I still feel like 28, except much healthier, and much, much happier than I was at 28.
I’ve been having slightly dark thoughts about my life’s accomplishments. Mostly because the subject seems to come up several times a day. I feel like I have so far to go on so many levels, and so it seems strange to be turning 40 because it feels like in a lot of ways I’m just beginning. Parts of my past seem like other lifetimes lived. And the funny part is, I used to feel like I’d done so much with my life. Now looking back, it doesn’t seem like I’ve done much at all. I feel like a pretty average, consuming, non-contributing human. I’d like to consume less and contribute more and I’m not exactly sure how to do that.
I knew taking care of a newborn was going to be a big unknown. I didn’t know how much time I’d have to work. I never would have guessed that even finding time to type would be so scarse. I have an iPad, and I can precariously hold it in my “nursing” hand while I type with my free hand, but it’s no way to type and not an easy way to let my thoughts flow. So I don’t do it very often. And I’m missing the blog.
But here I am, in baby land and I don’t know when juniper’s routine is going to get a little more regular, so I can do nothing except try to sneak in the occasional post. I’ve been trying to learn a bit about Oregon, about Lewis and Clark and the Oregon trail. I’m tempted to try and drive out to Astoria and see fort Clatsup, where the Lewis and Clark party spent the winter after completing their journey to the pacific ocean. Juniper might not let me see the fort but the drive will still be nice. I might try to do that Monday. You never know how things go around here though. Some days are rough ones for juniper and I don’t ever leave the house. Some days she seems to love a little adventure.