I can’t believe I’m even going to talk about this. Maybe I’ll delete this post in the morning after I’ve sobered up. Let me just explain where I’m coming from before I go on to embarass myself . I’m 35. I’m in a very wonderful relationship with a very fun man. I’m a freelancer, I spend a lot of time working alone. I’m an artist. I spend a lot of time painting alone. My friends have moved away. I have few girlfriends around me. My best friend from high school lives down the street from me and we don’t speak. We can’t even figure out why, we just can’t. Tom is the most wonderful, fun, fantasitc best friend and boyfriend in the whole world. But I miss having friends who are girls. I have Mod, thank god for Mod. I sadly only see her every couple of months. I have azure through occassioanl emails. God I miss azure so much. There are no women in my life. I miss women. I miss talking about glitter and giggling uncontrollably. I miss talking about skirts and eyeshdow and shoes. I was never a super girly girl, but I was a girl, god damnit. I went on weird diets and thought about how tank tops made my boobs look and I examined my ass in the mirror. These things are powerful, strange as it may sound. Being a chick is super hot. I don’t feel like a chick anymore. I feel like a blob. Like a hard working, socially awkward blob.
So I went to a party tonight. Mostly to see my friend Michelle. It was good seeing her, she’s pregnant again and she looks great. I met a nice girl who used to work for Artspan. It was really great talking to her. I saved her from the clutches of a super-nerd who was trying to trap her into conversations about satelites and nanopods, it was fun recognising that she wanted to be freed from him and it was exhilerating knowing how to get him distracted enough to free us both. Party maeuvers you learn in your early 20s, that’s totally a chick thing. She was wearing a skirt almost identical to the one Mod gave me. So here’s the embarassing confessional part. (OK well I suppose this whole post is some sort of weird confessional). I had been thinking the whole night about how nice it was to hang out with a chick, to start to feel like a chick again. I went to say goodbye to my new friend and I don’t know what happened. We had some sort of weird hand shake. I think in the middle of our handshake, I decided I was giving one of those gross, mushy handshakes that only anorexic or emotionally fridged women give. I tried to firm up my washy handshake and we ended up doing this sort of weird, awkward, semi lesbian bizzaro mid-squeeze handshake. Eww, I feel so weird talking about it. And the worst part about it was, I immediately felt this sort of remorse about it, like I wanted to take it back but I couldn’t. Maybe she thinks I’m a lesbian now. Or what if she’s the one who did the weird handshake and if that’s the case, what uf she thinks I was flirting with her. Do you see how complicated it can be when you are a girl? Why do I even get hung up on a handshake? Friends are impoortant to me, so important, that I behave as if I’m desperate. Well, I am. I’m just desperate for a laugh. For drinks at a bar. To talk shit about jennifer aniston and paris hilton. My desperation is so transparent. I guess that’s what’s embarassing. Tom is going to laugh when he reads this. I can hear him now “You grls are so weird, you hyper-analyze everything and make big deals out of nothing.” Yes we do, and in some werid way, it’s kinda nice.