I sometimes write things down in random files on my hard drive. Things I, for whatever reason, can’t write down in this blog, or don’t make it to my paper journal. I found this entry from two years ago January. It sorta touched me that I’ve gotten this far and I’m still going. Here goes:
Depending on what day of the week, or even what time of day you ask me, I could tell you that I honestly believe that I cannot make a career out of art, or that I honestly believe that I have a very good chance of making a career out of art.
I truelly believe that if anyone stands a chance of making it, I do. And I truelly believe that it’s a pipedream and I’ll never make it. I’ll just end up getting into debt and becoming a miserable failure. Then all I’ll be left with is a career that frustrates me and I’ll just go on slaving away at a dissatisfying career.
So when my contract gets extended, it’s a bigger mind f*#& than you would probably imagine. Partly because I think, I shouldn’t turn down this money, I’m going to need it in a couple months when I’m broke.
I’m afraid to try. I know I’m going to fail. I’m afraid to start, maybe I should wait a while. Maybe I need to finish school first, maybe I need more time to mature as an artist. Maybe I need to explore other lucrative avenues. Maybe I should study web design and focus on that. Maybe I should learn java. How do I decide? How do I take the leap? When am I supposed to say no to money and yes to trying what I know will probably fail?