Getting into this show seems to have exposed just how low my self esteem has sunk about my work. I don’t know how that happened, or if it’s been like this all along. Maybe it’s just from feeling like I’m not in the studio enough. Maybe it’s just how I felt like I never had enough time to really resolve the paintings I did in school. Maybe I subconsciously don’t think I’m good enough to hang with the big guns.
I always believe that one day I’ll get to some level that I can be really proud of, but I don’t ever really believe I’m “there now”, wherever “there” is. These feelings don’t scare me, they are more like an extended, bloated version of stage fright. I guess I was just startled at the realization that I carry around this belief that I’m an underachiever, that my ideas never come to fruition, and that there is no excuse for that. But that’s life, and there are excuses, valid ones, and I should give myself a break. Wanting to be “great” is a very good aspiration, as long as I try not to be so hard on myself.
So here I sit, looking at a big, busy month, wishing I had been more prepared for it than I am right now. But I’m going to take this ride and enjoy it as much as I can, and when people complement me, I’m going to feel proud of myself, and I’m going to thank them. Because I am so very thankful for all the support I get and I want to be worthy of it. I’m trying hard for you, all of you who believe in me sometimes more than I believe in myself. I am so very thankful for you.