I am not a good fit for the role of bride. All of the superficial things that weddings are “supposed to be” about, just don’t fit me. On my wedding day, lots of people are going to be looking at me, many of whom don’t know me very well. I am going to be on display like I’ve never been before. I won’t have a bass or a podium to hide behind. It will just be me, and people will expect me to look the part of the bride.
Wedding dresses don’t fit me, none of them. And I don’t even like them. They are weird and heavy and uncomfortable. The other day, when I went into David’s Bridal, I still felt the need to find these things out for sure, and boy was it depressing. I looked like an alien in a weird dress. I looked like a stranger. I’ll find a dress I look good in, and I’ll wear it with pride. It won’t look like a wedding dress and that will make me happy. Still, it’ll give people something to talk about, when I wish they wouldn’t. I guess I’m an alternative bride but I’m not comfortable will that idea right now.
I don’t have any family that I talk to. Weddings are “supposed to be” about family. This is something else people will find to talk about, and I wish they wouldn’t.
Weddings are “suppsed to be” about celebrating with your friends. I feel alienated from my friends. I’ve been in school for 5 years, I’ve been trying to hard to make this art thing work, I’ve paid the price. I barely see or talk to my friends. They’ve had babies and those babies are growing up fast and I’ve missed so much of it. And I always wonder if they resent me for disappearing. Yeah, I’ve made new friends at school, but I don’t know if I’ll see any of them out of school. I don’t know who will be my bridesmaid, I don’t understand why I have to have one. It makes me feel alone.
I understand that no one is telling me to fit the mold, but there’s still a lot of pressure in the air. I don’t feel like I’m “just having a big party” and I don’t think I really want to feel like that. This is a huge day. It is a celebration of our love, and a step towards starting a family. It is a huge milestone in our lives and it should feel different. But sadly right now, I feel more scared than excited and those feelings make me feel guilty.
But as I always do, I will find a way to make it mine. I’ll have a dress made if I have to. I’ll pick someone to be my bridesmaid, and if I need to do the father daughter dance, I’ll dance with Bradley or Jesse.
When school is over, I’ll have the time to get ready for this role. I just have to hang on. I wish I didn’t feel so distraught about this. I want so badly to be married to Tom, and an so excited to be his wife. But yeah, this wedding thing is stressful. They warn you that it will be, but it manifests itself in ways you can’t imagine.